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IF WISHES WERE HORSES...

When I was a kid, I'd wish for things. I still do, but, back in the day, I'd talk about my wishes, and my dear mother used to say to me, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." That was heavy. I mean, I was just a kid.

Now that I'm bigger, you'd think my wishes would have grown, but they haven't. Not really. When I was a teen, most of my dreams involved Charlie's Angles or The Los Angeles Dodgers. Today, staring into the reflecting water poolside, I find myself reflecting, too, and for whatever reason, I've decided to share.


MY DREAMS:


1. I really want to hang out for at least one evening with TMZ's MAX HODGES. I mean, just to see the world (the bar, the surf, the chicks) through his eyes for one night would be big fun.

2. I so want to sit in the shadows and listen in while a comic genius like NICK THUNE works on new material. To hear him writing songs, fine-tuning his stuff is the stuff my dreams are made of.

3. A regular dream takes place backstage at a major Las Vegas production show and involves G-strings, feather boa's and high heels. And, in case FRANK MARINO won't let me in, CRAZY GIRLS, X Burlesque or CRAZY HORSE will do nicely.

4. I wanna turn on network television and be surprised by a plotline, entertained by variety and excited by something new. JUSTIN KREDIBLE starring in his own original sitcom would be a helluva start.

5. Speaking of TV, most of those limp dicks on the CW can't go away fast enough for me. Young STEVEN McQUEEN (yup, the grandson of one of the greats) is the coolist guy on the CW today. I wish for him to kill all those lame vampires ASAP.

6. THE MASKED MAGICIAN has spent the past few years showing how certain illusions might be performed, entertaining television audiences around the globe. I wish that those other magicians who bitched about these shows would join in a worldwide effort to do some real magic. I say start with the problem of lack of clean water for 900 million people, get cool guys like R.J. CANTU and others involved.

7. I wish that people would shut the hell up about immigration, at least for a while. If they want to get serious, move all of our military bases from the California coast to along the Mexican border.

8. I wish that everyone who ever gave me shit growing up could see me right now, poolside in Las Vegas, surrounded by two very sexy showgirls with no tan lines.

9. I wish Dairy Queen delivered.

10. I wish you a creative week.


-Willie Watters
LAS VEGAS, NV, U.S.A

GAME RIGHTS

I watched daytime TV today. 'The View.' No, really, I did. All those women talking all at once was like some kind of torture. I felt like a guy who lost his voice and found himself locked in the ladies room, with nothing to do but listen. Geez!

Television today sucks. It is unimaginative, tedious and trifling. But when I was growing up, it was better.

I tuned-into 'The View,' to catch the always likable JUSTIN WILLMAN (AKA JUSTIN KREDIBLE) promote his Food Network show 'Cupcake Wars.' He was good... he always is.

Less and less people are watching television and the reason is television is less and less good. Programs are worse as commercials get better. If this keeps up, it'll be just one big colorful smear. But I can fix it, if you'll let me.

Dear Hollywood:

May I suggest: MATCH GAME '10.

'Match Game' was a nice gameshow, a 'Hollywood Squares, Lite,' that ran on CBS and later in syndication. I say bring it back.
Gene Rayburn was a pleasent, affable host and guests like Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett Somers and especially Richard Dawson made for a fun half hour of televsion.


MATCH GAME '10 should be hosted by JUSTIN WILLMAN, with newer versions of the 70's stars. Instead of CNReilly, maybe Andy Dick. Brett Somers was fine, and today, Kathy Griffin would be great. As for the always clever Dawson? Well, NICK THUNE would do nicely, mate.

Hey TV executives, here's an idea: ENTERTAIN US! There is no lack of talent, personalities with whom I know America would love to spend some daytime.

If you guys ignore my suggestion, then you are (BLANK) heads.

.