STARS ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP

I ran into a very funny man today. We were both waiting for our cars at a local dealership on West Sahara here in Las Vegas.
This guy opened for the biggest names at all of the major resorts on the strip before becoming a sensational headliner himself.

When you hear the name DAVID BRENNER, you immediately think of a 'real' guy, a performer whose comedy is authentic and hilarious.

Watching DAVID BRENNER is seeing a guy from the neighborhood who made good. He's one of the last of the up front comics, an honest-to-goodness comedy star and a helluva nice guy.

Talking with David made me remember what I love(d) about Las Vegas.

Let me be clear: DAVID BRENNER is doing great. He looks fantastic and is as funny and topical as ever. Just great. But, visiting with him about the good ol' days, made me wonder what the hell is going to happen to Las Vegas entertainment.

When I was a kid, I'd go over to NBC and watch network televison shows being taped. The Tonight Show was my favorite because they always booked great guests. I remember my first Johnny Carson taping. My Uncle Hank knew several members of the great Tonight Show Orchestra and my aunt Irene just loved DAVID BRENNER, who was a guest that night. I remember watching Carson crack-up during David's routine. Even though I was a kid, I understood that it was something special, something real indeed, for the host-who was not on camera-to laugh his ass off during a young comic's set. I reminded David that our mutual friend SAMMY DAVIS was on the show, leading the audience in laughter.

In the 20 years I've lived in Las Vegas, I've booked plenty of acts, represented some top talent and even produced a few shows on the Strip; it has been a pleasure to hire some of my favorites along the way. As Cirque has invaded my town, I've turned more and more to writing. It isn't easy making a living by writing, but, I hope to hustle my Las Vegas-themed novel "The King of Diamonds" in the new year as I complete a new book.

In 2010 and beyond, I want to be a part of whatever is next for the Las Vegas Strip. I mean, enough with the Cirque already. Let's come-up with some new ideas. I say we put acts and shows and stars in the main rooms early and late and on the dark nights of those huge shows. Above all, let's ENTERTAIN people. I mean, right?

What will it take to bring entertainers back to Las Vegas? Well, there are performers in permanent spots here and there, but why not bring in stars and let them shine up and down the Las Vegas Strip? It wouldn't be hard to do. You see, I learned long ago: "Imitation is the sincerest form of show business." It can catch on quickly.

Young geniuses like NICK THUNE, fresh from doing Jay Leno would kill as a regular main room star, quickly establishing himself as THE act to see.

Is it easy to make this change? Well, yes, it is. It's simple, and there are several people here in town (me included) who know how to structure the deals to make it work.

George Wallace, Louie Anderson, Frank Marino and a few others are doing okay, slugging-it out and sometimes competing with their own properties. That's gross. There is not one single reason that authentically entertaining stars shoudn't be SOLD OUT every show. If that makes the Blue Men blue, well, that's tough. And nobody's going to drown in their tears if that mind- numbing and stupid Le Reve has to do less shows. And what's this shit about 'Smokey Robinson presents?' I mean, we want Smokey, and not some former Aussie boy band, mate.

There was a time when headliners ruled the Las Vegas Strip, and opening acts were presented in huge letters on marquees that still glow in the memories of those who love Las Vegas.

Now I know, you can never go back, but I say as we move forward, let's celebrate our great entertainment traditions.

FOR 2010, I WISH YOU BLISS

Seems like everyone's talking about their passion. All kinds of people, from all walks of life are proclaiming that this or that is their passion. A passion for decorating, a passion for cooking, a passion for making money.

That's fine, I guess, but all this impassioned talk about passion makes me wonder when-and why-we all started bragging about our emotions. Is that really such a great thing? Really? It seems like that cook Paula Deen is passionate about butter and I'm sure Bernie Madoff was passionate about profit and it sounds like Tiger Woods was being led around by his passion as well.

I have been around my fair share of passionate people- it is a wonderfully assuring way to feel alive, but I've been thinking that we ought to focus more on the destination. You see, emotions, while providing fuel to take you there, can also blow you way off track. Heartfelt thinking may well get you revved-up but vehement action can really mess you up, man.

As the year draws to a close, I've been been thinking passionately about bliss, about so many artists and performers who have followed their bliss and, in so doing, have raised us all up. Today I salute the beautiful and talented people who share their bliss with the world. From magicians excitedly pursuing their careers to musicians performing spirited compositons and concerts, dolce to forte, they have all found a way to share their bliss and we are the better for it, them.

BLISS (noun): perfect happiness; great joy


I'll always remember hearing the beautiful 'Bella Luna' for the first time. I was driving just outside of Branson, Missouri, playing the- then new JASON MRAZ CD. I'd been listening to "Mr. A-Z" for several days but hadn't yet gotten to 'Bella Luna,' -the seventh tune on the CD- because every one of the first songs are great, and, 'Clockwatching,' the sixth track, is so fucking clever, so well written and slickly produced that I felt pissed that I hadn't co-written it. (Mraz composed 'Clockwatching' with the astute Dennis Morris and also Ainslie Henderson). I would play "Clockwatching' over-and-over. Brilliant. Then, one night, I held my passion to hit 'Replay' in check and on came 'Bella Luna.' I pulled over and played it again and-I swear this is true-I stayed parked on the hilly roadside for over an hour listening and then getting blissfully lost inside of this beautiful song, again and again. Some time later, a girl I know who is just crazy about Mraz (I mean, who isn't?) sent me a video she shot of a Lake Tahoe concert I was supposed to attend with her. It's Mr. A-Z himself performing 'Bella Luna' even more beautifully than the record. I sat at the computer mesmerized, seeing this beautiful soul get lost inside his song, man enough to close his eyes and gently sway in the night. I mean, I felt it. I felt it all over again.

I think of performing jazz artists, friends like the great VINNIE FALCONE and young JAMIE CULLUM, losing themselves in a melody, unrestrained by the baseline, flying freely in the night. THE MAKEPEACE BROTHERS are indubitably brotherly bliss personified.

When I think of bliss, I go to that sunny place that lives on in my mind, where childhood dreams float on the breeze like a fairy tale waiting to be told. That first summer, girl, kiss. Man! And that's what I love about magicians, especially the close-up kind. They approach a stranger, ask him to pick a card and, for an instant, the guy is transformed, transported back to that blissful place where magic can happen.

My great friend VALENTINO always understood the roaring power of silence. Newer guys like R.J. CANTU get it, too. And the clever JUSTIN KREDIBLE is a bliss giver for sure. Watch the beautiful faces of his largely female fans. Delight for real.
We owe a great debt to the performing magicians who keep the spark of magic alive in us all.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend. He was the cool kid who transferred in at senior year, the handsome jock who found a way to fit in with everybody in our high school. Today he lives the life I admire, raising the family out on a ranch, in touch with nature. Now I know that when you allow yourself to connect with animals, you'll surrender to that stillness inside, the taciturn place where man and animal are friends. When I first started working with exotic animals, a very sharp lady told me not to respect the lions, but to revere them. And she was so right. Because of her advice, I've been rolling around with wolves, an accepted member of the pack, and have become the honored brother of the lion. I have communicated with dogs in ways Disney or that whisperer guy could only dream of. And to get there, I had to locate those still waters inside of me, and then, dive in.

I don't know nearly as much about art as I'd like, but I do have a sense of what's good. I look at the work of JON MARRO and know that he, like all fine artists, creates from that place, inside, a place we all know. We FEEL the artist's bliss, from Marro to Monet.

I'm a desert guy, and the hotter the better. Poolside, time doesn't exist and some of my most creative thoughts come to me underwater. The feel of the warm marble, smooth on my chest as I fly along the bottom of the pool, now that gets me there. Oh, I do my share of laps on the surface but, down deep is where the dreams are. If you find yourself losing time, don't worry, you haven't lost anything. Besides, that loss is your gain.

The great JOSEPH CAMPBELL taught us so much about the power of myths, and he had the best advice for us, too. He said, "Follow your bliss."

This is the time of year when we find ouselves wishing. Tonight I was staring at flaming candles on a cake. I closed my eyes and felt overcome by this dreamy whim:

I wish you bliss.

And I encourage you: follow your bliss to wherever it takes you.

We'll all be there, waiting.

GETTING BLOWN-OUT on Christmas Spirits: December 24, 2009

I'm opening a gift bottle of Yukon Jack.

There's a difference between Jack Daniel and Yukon Jack. I drink Jack Daniel. I have ever since I spied FRANK SINATRA drinking it. That's exactly how it happened. It was just after Christmas and he was performing downtown at the Golden Nugget. I was in his dressing room and, having been around him plenty, I knew better than to stare. But, that's what I was doing- I was clocking him. When Sinatra caught me staring, rather than complain, he told me a story, one I'll always remember. It's the moment I knew that Frank Sinatra- the great man-was also a helluva guy.

He told me of moving out to California, early in his career, and being thrown-into the Hollywood scene. Now he was already a major singing star but his movie career had yet to really take off. "I was crazy about Bogart," he told me. "I used to follow him around and do what he did." You see, Bogie & Bacall threw wonderful parties in their Hombly Hills home, parties young Blue Eyes attended regularly. "I'd watch how he'd light his cigarette, what he drank," Sinatra told me. Listening to him helped me understand that it was cool to have idols and it turned out my idol idolized Bogie.

And what Bogart drank was Jack Daniel. I became a Tennessee Squire the next week, a surprise initiation to the world of good booze and responsible drinking. Millions remember him fondly when a song of his is played; I don't think there's ever a night that includes Jack Daniel's where I don't think of Mr. Sinatra. God I loved him.

Frank Sinatra was the first person who thought of me as a writer. I was a lawyer but he saw my writing talents early on. After giving him a thesis I had written, he asked me to write him some things, which I happily did. Because of him, I now think of myself as a writer.

Okay, here's an interesting Christmas Eve experiment in drinking- I've been drinking Jack but am now going to crack open the Yukon Jack, a 100-proof gift that, combined with the J.D. is sure to screw with my typing abilities. So, why not keep drinking and see what ends up on tonight's blog? As I have no plans to drive (just be picked up) or to be in any way responsible, I'm drinking up. And I think it's best to read my stuff after you've had some stuff yourself.

Yukon Jack says it's a liqueur (pronounced 'lick here') not a mere liquor ('lick her') so here goes, mate.

[WW drinks]

Wow. Yukon Jack is pretty smooth- like me, and, surprisingly sweet- like me. [Another drink] It goes down nice (ha- like me?) and feels good in your mouth (stop thinking that, you perv).

Okay, that was fun or whatever but look, I'm a Jack Danie's guy soooo, I'm making myself another Jack & soda (have one- you know you want to).

[drink-drink- drink]

I'm heading up to the Las Vegas Strip in a bit, meeting an old friend for a drink. Believe me, I'm getting Jack and I mean Daniel and not Yukon.

"May your days be merry, sans funk
"And may all your Christmas spirits be drunk.

HANG A SHINING STAR

Okay, fill-in the missing lyric:




Through the years, we all will be together,

If the fates allow;

-------------------------------,

And Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas Now.



Did you sing a line about a star and a bough? You did, didn't you! That's cool. It's Sinatra's line, you know that, right?

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas was written for the 1944 film Meet Me In St. Louis. None other than the great Judy Garland sang it, but the tune was really a bummer. So, in 1957, when Frank Sinatra set out to record his Christmas album over at Capitol Records, he called the composer Hugh Martin and requested a re-write, and so, "Hang a shining star upon the highest bough" replaced the glum "From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow."

I was the guest on an interesting internet radio show a few nights ago. I told the Sinatra/Garland/Martin song story and a caller-fresh from doing online research- called to correct me. It was kinda funny because I had actually written the article the caller used to try to discredit me, only he had misread it; I had listed the original Judy Garland lyrics that were too gloomy for the movie and then pointed out the changes.(I also contributed to the wiki-wiki-wikipedia article.) In the film, Judy Garland was to sing "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last." I mean- wow, that's a downer. I also mentioned that the film's director was none other that the great Vincente Minnelli, the dad of Liza. (Garland and Minnelli married in 1945).

The radio interview went okay, I guess. I wasn't in studio but rather phoned it in and when you do it that way, you never know what's what. But, after the smartypants apologized, a nice lady chimed-in to tell a story about working with Judy Garland at MGM. And then, a longtime Las Vegas woman called to say that she had been interested in my "career" since watching me "several times" on Name That Tune. (I suspect that instead of 'career,' she prolly meant to say 'keester' but I was flattered by my heavily medicated fan anyway).

I then told of being at Liza Minnelli's home at Christmastime and her telling me that 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' was almost CUT from the movie and reminded me that 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' damn near didn't make it into her mom's iconic musical The Wizard of Oz. Wow!

If you were wondering, Liza told me she, too, just loved Uncle Frank's 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,' especially the one he recorded in the 60's.


HOUSE OF H2O is a place I can come to and write in the first person. I am grateful to you for allowing me to do that, and here's my promise for 2010 and beyond: I'm going to keep on keeping it real.

Happy Holy Days.

Willie Watters
LAS VEGAS

HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP TO THE MAX

Mary Hart makes me feel weird. She does. There is no way in hell that Mary Hart is really that enthusiastic to interview , say, Marie Osmond about her stupid brother. But yet, there she is, night after teeth-grinding-night sitting next to Mark Steines prattling on about...well, about nothing. I've worked hard over the years to help get my famous clients' stories out there and Entertainment Tonight, and other such 'news' shows have been pretty generous and always fair, but lately? I just can't watch.

Let me be up-front about the topic of entertainment, okay? I have watched ET forever. Many can tell you where they were on 9-11, but me? I will never forget the day John Tesh retired. Okay, maybe that's a little strong, but I did used to admire Jann CarI and company and didn't join George Clooney's ET boycott. And, I used to tune-into E! in the pre-hottie old days, back when the cable channel had little more than that gossipy guy and his lame talk show. Today-Seacrest aside- I think Jason Kennedy is the nuts, making E! News fresh and interesting to watch, when they aren't all revved-up about those weirdos with the eight kids or the latest Tiger whore who won't keep her mouth shut.

Mario Lopez is pretty cool and Jerry Penacoli is a class act, a real pro over on Extra, but too much of the show is fluffed-up. Now Access Hollywood is total bush-league and totally unwatchable.

Let's face it: all of the entertainment shows, from CNN on down are fake, phonier than a showgirl's bazooms. These shows are totally scripted and devoid of any real news, nothing more than a LA publicist's wet dream. So, I guess, in the end, the wired-up robot Mary Hart is the right person to go through the motions, but please, guys, stop pretending to be reporters, okay? You are not journalists but pimps and we all know it.

Now there is ONE show that is keeping it real, and I mean "maybe they'll sue our ass but here goes" real.

TMZ!

God bless Harvey Levin and TMZ. Seriously. Thirty Mile Zone has broken some huge stories. From Mel Gibson's DUI and Chris Brown's violence to the entire Michael Jackson saga, TMZ keeps on keeping it real.

Now as much as I like the smart guy in the dreads, the sarcastic dude in the cap and the hot girl in the glasses, it is MAX HODGES who steals the TMZ show, night-after-night. Dax has his shit together, selling the snaps he's snapped-up, but the real drama comes from Max.

You see, too many "reporters" seem to take Hollywood stories too seriously. Not Max. Not ever. In fact, I often get the impression that Max is more interested in the hottie than than the Hollywood heavyweight. Tune-in and see for yourself. About half-way through the broadcast, the diminuative Mr. Levin will be grinning that goofy grin watching a dog with sunglasses on his hairy butt (the dog's butt, not Harvey's) and Max will have his arm over his leg, leaning back, smiling, clearly enjoying just being on the show. High on life, you might say. It just makes me feel good.

I think I heard Max say this: "I have some video of Jack Nicholson or Jack Nicklaus or maybe some dude from Nickleback. ANYWAY, somebody famous coming out of Dan Tanna's with a HOT BABE!"

MAX HODGES cares enough not to care too much.

Maybe the adrenalized Mary Hart should try some tree?


Thanks, man.

MY STREET NAME

"Hello, operator? Yes, I'm looking for the number of John Smith, in Las Vegas."

"Um, sir-there are several John Smiths listed. Do you have a street name?"

I thought for a second and then answered honestly. "Well, some of my friends call me 'Big Will'."

STEVE WYNN IS A HELLUVA GUY

Sirius Satellite Radio's great station, Siriusly Sinatra, celebrated Ol Blue Eyes' birthday on December 12th. And they did a great job.
The 'guest DJ' was none other than the reigning King of LV, STEVE WYNN.

Now you may think of Mr. Wynn as the ultra businessman and super self-promoter and of course he is, but get him talking about show business and he's quite intriguing and especially interesting.

We here in Las Vegas owe STEVE WYNN so much and now-and wow-we owe some more. He hosted a helluva good radio show helping remember the birthday of the greatest Las Vegas star ever, Frank Sinatra . Wynn was even cool enough to run a rare recording of Sinatra, from the Golden Nugget stage, referring to Wynn's pride and joy as "a dump" and then kvetching about the showroom, designed by, according to FS, "Steve's kid brother, Frank Lloyd Wrong." More than that, however, Mr. Las Vegas shared never-before heard Sinatra stories, warm and loving memories from a helluva guy who not only has been front and center but who also always puts his money where his mouth is.

I spent some time at Wynn's Encore late last night where Garth Brooks is holding court. Encore, indeed.

Thanks Steve and Happy Birthday Ol Blue Eyes.

Painted by FRANK SINATRA

DEAR ABBY: Are You Dead?

Dec 8, 2009

Dear Abby:

Are you dead? My friend Ashton said that he's pretty sure you've gone to the Big Casino but I said, "No way, her columns still run in the newspaper."

He said, "So what? They are obviously re-running old columns, written before she, ya know, croaked."

Now I'll admit, some of your stuff seems a little, um, dated. Like the lady who wrote about her hippie son and your "Dear Draft Dodger" reply. That was odd. And the advice you gave to the woman who wrote, saying she was obsessed with Barnaby Jones. I told my friend that Nick at Night runs old stuff, like at ass o'clock in the AM but he's still skeptical. By the way, what was that letter about the teenage girl and Bobby Sherman? You better not be dead, Abby, cause if you are, I'll look bad. And- I've got money on you still having a pulse.

ANYWAYS, Abby: (if that's even your real name. I know it's what you answer to- or answered to- when you were drawing breath. Not that I think you're ace-duce, but if you did die, I'll understand, just tell me, okay? Maybe I can call-off the bet with Ashton. I know he's a bookie and stuff, and a bet's a bet, but I do consider him a friend, even though the feeling is unrequited.)*

*A word I learned from my other friend, who is also my shrink.


Here's my problem, and I'm sure you've heard this eleventy billion times already, but here goes anyways:

It's my girlfriend. She gets all weird towards the end of a date, like I'm not gonna pay her. I mean, I think maybe a comp here and there would be cool and shit, but, after I got my ass kicked, I'm not going to broach that subject again. And NO, it WASN'T her pimp who slapped me around, either. Actually, he's pretty cool. In fact, when he knows I'm broke he likes to come over and play Wii and stuff. Which reminds me, Abby- WTF was that letter last week where you suggested a family "game night" and recommended "View-Master" and "Twister?" And, so you'll know, the only thing an Etch-A-Sketch is good for is laying out lines. ANYWAYS, my GF's pimp- his name is Skeeter and he's really nice to me. Really, really nice. Like a little too cuddly even if it isn't a "chilly night" kind of nice. The other morning, after he crashed at my place, I woke up and found Skeeter passed-out on the couch, spooning with me and he was wearing socks. And I mean just socks. And, they were MY socks. And the bong smelled weird, like... well, that's another letter, Abby. My point is my friend Ashton- the bookie- says my girlfriend is a whore and that's messed-up. Maybe you could publish a well written letter explaining the difference between a prostitute and a call girl because my girl is the call kind. And she doesn't always charge me. Okay, she does, she does always charge me but not full price, not anywhere near the price she gets when National Finals Rodeo is in town.

Thanks, Abby, in advance, for not being six feet under and for helping me with my (call)girlfriend.

-Your Friend, CONFUSED

THIS MIGHT SOUND FUNNY...

Living in Las Vegas, and being in the business, I've had a unique look at the serious occupation of being funny. If I were to make a list of the best of the best comedians I ever saw, well, um, wait, who am I kidding? I am making a list. That is my raison d'etat (rough translation: raisin tattoo. I think. Not sure. Maybe look it up.)

THE FIVE MOST SERIOUSLY FUNNY PEOPLE EVER

(In no particular order, except alphabetical).

MAX ALEXANDER
He's made films with Steve Martin and Tom Hanks, opened for the biggest names in show business, stolen the show at several MDA telethons and won the admiration of everyone in the business but the one thing Max has taught us all is a most important lesson. BE HELPFUL. MAX ALEXANDER continues to do good deeds, helpful things, especially for younger talent. What the hell good is it to be a great entertainer if you can't help others? Max taught us that.

BOB ANDERSON
Known as the world's greatest singing impressionist, Bob is truly the best there is. His impersonations are more than parody; Bob presents sincere tributes to the best loved voices in the world. I've written special material for Bob's televison appearences and we've co-written some songs and it isn't easy going because Bob always insists on being true to the personality he's presenting. "How would Frank Sinatra say it?" or "What would Dean Martin do?" BOB ANDERSON teaches us that you have to seek perfection in everything you do. No detail is too small when you want to get it just right. And he always does.

PETE BARBUTTI
Everyone on the planet tried to get on The Tonight Show, but on the final week, Johnny Carson himself insisted that his favorite comic- musician PETE BARBUTTI come on one final time. And he did. And he killed. My oldest brother worships this performer and when I produced my first Las Vegas show, we needed a great comic so I called Pete. I'd watch him, closely. No night was the same. A jazz comic riffing for laughs, mixing it up, improving the improv, playing with the familar. When George Carlin told me that whenever he guest hosted The Tonight Show, he'd ask for Pete to be booked I knew that said it all. PETE BARBUTTI has never been afraid to be 'too hip for the room.' He never plays down to the audience. No sir. He brings us up. Pete teaches us originality every time he takes the stage.

TOM DREESEN
Frank Sinatra hand-picked him as his opening act and from the early 80's until Ol' Blue Eyes retired, TOM DREESEN was on the bill, playing to sold out audiences all over the world. David Letterman asked him to guest host and he was great. His new book provides us an American comedy history lesson. This funnyman happens to be a decent human being who always works clean. His humor is warm and wonderful and audiences just adore him. When we first met, I asked him about a rumor that he had secretly written jokes for a fellow comic whose act had grown stale. "Oh, we all tried to help," Tom said modestly. I later found out that Tom had single handedly written loads of material to help the comedian in need. He's done more private acts of kindness for artists who needed help. I have learned by example and now, I write-without credit-whenever I'm asked. TOM DREESEN teaches us to be generous with our talents.

JUSTIN KREDIBLE
The Number-One specialty act on college campuses year-after-year, this comic-magician is always working, often playing six nights (in six different states) per week, JUSTIN KREDIBLE hit the road running and never looked back. Jason Mraz took him on his world tour, Rachael Ray brings him on "on the regular," and others are encouraging him to star in a sitcom. Along the way, the magically funny JUSTIN KREDIBLE keeps working, night-after-night. I've been working on something with this likeable young star, whenever he can find a spare hour, which is rare indeed. This comic conjuror teaches us that there is no such thing as 'having it made,' that you have to go out and make it every day.

NICK THUNE
A friend leaned over to me just prior to a show at the Beauty Bar in downtown Las Vegas. "Will? This guy coming on is as weird as Steven Wright, clever as Steve Martin and smart as George Carlin. His name is NICK THUNE." My friend books comics and knows a thing or two about funny. So I watched the young comedian's set. With a musician's perfect timing, Nick ventured 'out there' and seemed happy to be there. Some jokes didn't get laughs. Many did. Nick was brave and brilliant. Two years later, NICK THUNE becomes a regular on the mainstream Jay Leno Show. I tune-in to see how much he's sold-out his art to commerce. The answer was: zero! Nick is original and authentic and performs his stuff as weirdly written. It is beautiful. NICK THUNE teaches us what Shakespeare wrote about in Act I of Hamlet: To thine own self be true.

MY SPECIALTY

I am crazy about specialty acts. You know, those uniquely talented performers often featured in large production shows? Some are classy, many are off-beat, but every successful specialty act is intertesting.

In pre-Cirque Las Vegas, uncommon specialty acts were commonplace. You see, for a huge show to be staged without long blackouts, 'front-of-the-curtain' entertainers are needed to allow the cast to change and the crew to reset. Jubillee at Bally's always had (and continues to have) great individual performers, including a variety of magicians, jugglers, comics, gauchos, and, for many years, a great crossbow act.

When we put together 'SPLASH' at the Riviera (an unauthorized adaption of the talented Peter Jackson's 'Playboy Fantasy'), three specialty acts allowed for the watery production to flow smoothy. The great stuntman SONNY TIPTON was a highdiving 'SPLASH' standout, as were the motorcycle stunt drivers now known as RIDERS OF THE THUNDERDOME.

One of the Aladdin's best shows ever was PETER & PATRICK JACKSON'S ABRACADABRA, a magic-filled extravaganza featuring a then-likeable KIRBY VAN BURCH, a great talking dog act, the always funny comic-actor FIELDING WEST and a sensational singer, TIM SEARCY. Little wonder my friend Patrick enjoys long lasting Las Vegas success; King Arthur's Tournament continues to shine at the Excaliber.

When the sexy revue CRAZY GIRLS first opened, MAX ALEXANDER was the funny-as-hell host, killing every single set, three -times-a-night.

I will never forget standing with FRANK SINATRA, watching him watch his longtime opening act TOM DREESEN from stage left. Sinatra would laugh- and I mean really laugh-at the wonderfully warm and always funny comic. One night, during a tour with the Buddy Rich Band, Mr. Sinatra told me how much he admired the hard-drumming drummer. "See? This is what comes from sticking with it," he said, pointing out from the wings during one of Buddy's well-earned standing ovations.

I've been thinking about specialty acts recently. I have had the good fortune to book some very talented people. ANDREI SOUMIATIN is by far the best specialty performer working in Branson Missouri, winning cheers and ovations for the clever solo juggling and beautiful adagio he performs with his wife. Classy and athletic, he's a real pro. Andrei's son Anthony is also a world-class performer. MIKE CHIRRICK comes from show business royalty and circus pageantry. Mike's mom and uncle were the best of the very best. Mike's juggling and balancing act wins ovations thanks to his prowess and verve; expert skills that seem second-nature actually come from years of practice.

I've booked my share of not-so-good acts, too, like the guy who ate lightbulbs. Seriously- that was his act: he ate glass. Some people liked his talent, but I still remember waking from a dream that used to slice into my sleep, positive my drool was blood. And I had a quick-change performer, a young lady who came on stage looking like a Michelin spokesman and by the end of her act had dwindled down to a size 3. Oh, I've booked my share of bad magicians along the way, too, but I'm proud that I've always tried to take the time to help them understand why they aren't nearly as good as they think they are, and then suggest, and encourage improvements.

Recently, I've found work for a few specialty acts in Downtown Las Vegas. I like to watch the audience while performers do their thing. I don't care how many stupid Cirque shows come to town- one thing will never change: audiences will always be in awe of peformers with real talent. Me too.

TYPING, HYPING & SKYPING

PIPING (hot) GRIPING





What happened to the fantasy future? You know, the promise of jet packs, picture phones and loads of edible and/or inflatable and/or fornicatable shit?

Well, the jet pack became the Segway, which is a great invention if you're a cop at a county fair. The technology that would fly your ass around town was misappropriated to create the leaf blower, and that really blows.

Now I'll agree that the internet is the nuts. And, to access the www via the ChuckBerry is something. I've done my share of under-the-table Googling on the handheld to help me sound up-to-date during meetings, but, sadly, I usually have to read online shit I wrote just to remember what I'm supposed to believe.

Of all the new ish, I do think that Skype is pretty much the video phone of our dreams, although, in my younger punkass mind, I'd ring up a hottie who'd answer naked in bed and I'd be automotically able to see their situation. Today, I get my Skype on (and off!) regularly, via the Mac and the HalleBerry. Recently, I've been tricking-out the home Skypexperience by using mirrors. (I have wall-to-wall mirrored walls and, with a little setup, my Skyping can be down right pyschedelic providing I remember to pre-Windex the situation).

Hey- you know that kid who was supposed to be flying high above Colorado in that metallic balloon? That looked like some mental patient's idea of the future- a wacky, tacky, jet packy flight of fancy. It made me wonder: who was more lame- the dumbass dad or the cable news jerkoffs?

NICK THUNE on JAY LENO THIS WEEK!

Today, the LA TIMES took another shot at NBC's decision to air budget-friendly JAY LENO five nights a week in lieu of dramas, noting (and praising) the successful new shows on the other networks. But wait, isn't there something to be said for entertainment executives trying something different? Now I know, JAY LENO is hardly avant-garde and his "new" show doesn't seem too terribly different from the old one, but hey, it's early. I'm hoping Jay & Co. will shake things up.

I heard that Leno regular NICK THUNE will be on again this week- I think Wednesday or Thursday. Bringing Thune to primetime helps me believe in network television. Seriously, that guy is funny.

My writing partner, Richard Thornell and I just finished a script for a new sitcom, based on weird characters I created, characters who, while not quite right, are quite likeable. In doing research for this project, I watched TV. Loads of it. Network shows during primetime* and well into the late late "what in the hell am I still doing up" night.** New, old, good and bad, I've been watching. If it sounds like fun, well, it really wasn't. I take comedy seriously. After a few weeks, I was amazed at every Leave it to Beaver, at how well the show held up. And Dick Van Dyke? I can tell four bars into the theme if he'll trip-or scoot around- the ottoman. And Lucy? Well, I Love Lucy.

When I see JAY LENO bringing on people like NICK THUNE*** it gives me hope that televison is going to be just fine.


* Modern Family: funny. Community: clever. It's Always Sunny: GREAT
** Insert crack pipe/cocaine/Red Bull joke
*** There's nobody like NICK THUNE.

AUGUST RUSH

I write reviews of live shows. Over the past few years, I've written hundreds of them.

It was on a Thanksgiving weekend when I was asked to submit a review for a new movie website. The money was small but I wanted to try my hand at it. And so my first- AND LAST- movie review was for a picture called AUGUST RUSH.

I loved AUGUST RUSH-the score, the kid, the girl, and the guy. I mean, I LOVED IT!

The MFWIC who owned the site mailed me a small check with a note saying that 90% of the readers disagreed with me.

Looking back, I still find it hard to believe that 9 out of 10 people got it wrong.

YOU CAN'T HIDE YOUR LION EYES

For the past several years, I've been working with African lions, taming and training some Big Cats to perform in production shows. My newest best friend is a three year old lion, a young king, for sure. My reverence for lions shares a place in my heart right next to my lifetime love of dogs. In fact, I've been wondering why, thousands of years ago, we didn't domesticate the lion? Lions, like wolves, are very social animals and, had we bred them smaller and helped train them to live in our human communities, I have no doubt the lion would now have a place, right next to the dog.

If you ever have the chance to be close to this king, do yourself a favor: look deeply in his eyes. Seriously. You'll find yourself in awe.

THE LAST SUPPER, LAS VEGAS

With all apologies to Leonardo

MAGIC TIME IN THE DESERT

There is a moment- sacred, really- when a burnt orange afterglow is all that's left of the desert day. The neon is ready to take it from here, but, in that instant between what's passed, and what's next, lives magic.

There's a feeling that anything can happen.

And?

It CAN!

Water Log

FRIDAY NOV 20th

HOUSE of H2o

A BIG SLURP at BOOK SOUP and a MAGICAL MYSTERY PIER

This is the city: West Hollywood, California.

When I think about Sunset in LA, my mind turns to books, and I tend to get all serious because West Hollywood is home to my TWO favorite bookstores, BOOKSOUP and MYSTERY PIER.


BOOKSOUP and I go a long way back. The time (and bread) have been well spent. And a few Very Famous Friends (VFF) have met and hung out with me at BOOKSOUP. It is a cool place for cool people. Over the years I've discovered some great books and met some pretty great friends there. KEANU REEVES plays his share of spaced out dudes but in fact, this great actor knows more about good books and authors than anyone I've ever met. He once handed me a novel (and was cool enough to add it to his tab) at BOOKSOUP, saying, "Here. This might be good." It was.

BOOKSOUP is one of the last independent bookstores and is home to great signing and music events. And the staff? They are the best!

Now when it comes to first editions, the best place is just around the corner. Every time I step into MYSTERY PIER I relive my first visit. No, I mean it. MYSTERY PIER has a timeless quality about it and the owner, HARVEY JASON is as charming and polite as he is erudite and helpful. On a recent visit I spoke to Red Hot Chilli Pepper bassist FLEA about his great collection of literature, most of which he assembled with Harvey's assistance. Not for nothing? FLEA is a fantastic trumpet player and a serious student of music. I suspect if he hadn't befriended Anthony Kiedis, the punk rocker could have easily gone another direction, which would have been bad for rock but maybe great for the arts, Universally Speaking. Today, FLEA knows enough about music and books to teach Music Theory and English Lit.

This is the power of good books, man.

EYE BLUE and BLACK

I just received a nice note from an old friend, a girl a haven't seen in a while. She found this photo on her computer from 2007, and she was nice enough to share it.

In the photo is Apollo, my favorite dog in the whole world. Next to him is me and my swelling left eye. Five minutes before we took photos, the dog and I clunked heads. Five minutes after this was taken-and for two days- my eye would be swollen shut.

I remember the call the next day.

"Hey Will- did you take Lorcet-Plus or Percocet?"

"Um, yes," was my answer.

COMEDY IS MAGIC (and Magic is Comedy)

I recently reconnected with an old friend on Facebook: the hilarious MAX ALEXANDER. Years ago, when we opened Crazy Girls at the Riviera, it was a 3-times a night show, with Max as the special guest star. I remember standing in back of the house and laughing (really laughing) every single set Max did, every single night. There is nobody funnier than MAX ALEXANDER.

So I'm looking at Max's Facebook page and I smile when I see he's posted STEVE MARTIN'S 'Great Flydini' video. Max did a film with his friend STEVE MARTIN and it got me thinking about comedy and magic.

Comedy is magic and magic is comedy.

You see, for a joke to work-for a comic to really kill- you need a set-up and a surprise punchline. And more than that, the performer has to be likeable. The audience has to care enough to identify with him. Now in magic, there's the pledge. Without it, you have nothing. And the turn is the surprise, the self same surprise that makes a joke a joke. Great comics (and good magicians) use misdirection and the result is something unique.

Because timing is all important, I know why so many performers are good magicians (Steve Martin, Johnny Carson, Dom Deluise; FRANK SINATRA loved magic and showed me some pretty great card things backstage), but I am surprised (and not in a good way) at how many magicians aren't good performers. Working today there is NO BETTER COMEDY MAGICIAN than JUSTIN KREDIBLE. I say that not because he's a friend. If I hated him I'd say the same thing. I happen to feel the opposite of hate which makes it more fun to write with him. Justin "gets" magic, he understands why it works. He has the natural feel for timing that allows him to make it all look so easy. Maybe it's because he's not worried about looking cool that allows him to be great. I don't know, but I do know that there are too many magicians who don't seem to understand what's what.

If you want to improve you magic act, consider the art of comedy. Think about who you are playing on stage, what your character is. The young actor R.J.CANTU is onto something when he brings his dramatic skills to the magic stage but maybe the answer is even lighter than that--- maybe the answer is comedy.

MY VAMPIRE FRIEND

IAN SOMERHALDER is on Jimmy Fallon tonight.

This guy is one cool vampire.

NINE LIVES: JAN ROUVEN, 'Live' ON FREMONT STREET

Word on the street (Fremont Street) is this: Illusionist JAN ROUVEN, the man with nine lives, has swung-into Las Vegas on his world tour, bringing with him the high energy excitment that only a hot young magician can create.

I like JAN ROUVEN, and admire his efforts presenting an exciting open air magic show. That's not an easy thing to do.

While I was experiencing the Fremont Street, I made a point to catch the America's Got Talent runners-up, MARIO & JENNY. I've known Mario's brother, TINO FERREIRA since we were both kids and what a fiery show MARIO & JENNY are putting on, turning-up the heat for real.

I also ran into Los Angeles close-up magician R.J.CANTU, who charmed the crowd with his own up-close and personal style. I'll bet we'll be seeing more CANTU MAGIC in Las Vegas soon.

I'll Let You In On A Secret

I've received a few nice compliments recently regarding some things I've written, and that's nice. Writing is kinda difficult. In fact, often, it's damn hard.

Last night, my writing partner and I spent some quality time with the most talented young comic magician, JUSTIN KREDIBLE. I mean, he's simply the best. We are all working together on a magic project starring JKred so I thought I'd let you in on a little secret: writing for JUSTIN KREDIBLE is easy. Really easy. And here's why: when you associate with people you like, work becomes play.

Now make no mistake, I take my job seriously. Maybe sometimes I'm a little too serious. For example, I'm one of two contributors to a Sirius Radio show and last week, I got into a heated argument with the show's host over the reading of a bit I had written. He ended up doing it my way; it killed and he thanked me.

Now the thing about JUSTIN KREDIBLE is that he's like an old pro, knowing what's right for him yet at the same time, he's open to new creative ideas. The result is a job that is fun.

Maybe you should consider finding a way to find the fun in your work?


When you associate with great people, your life becomes beautiful and your work becomes play.

Christmas with Bob Dylan

FRANK SINATRA, HARRY CONNICK, JR., NAT 'KING' COLE, BING CROSBY, THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR, ANDY WILLIAMS and BOB DYLAN!

The voices of Christmas.

I never would of thought I'd add BOB DYLAN to my list of favorite holiday voices but, man, here he is, with a really great Christmas album, recorded early this year at Jackson Browne's studio.

Listening to this gives the feel of that special holiday party, where your weird friend or relative showed up with his guitar and entertained and amused everyone.

I really dig this album.

Bob's recording of "The Christmas Blues" is from the heart, indeed!

Dylan's at the Hard Rock Las Vegas this Sunday and, I've never seen him 'live,' but after listening to this fine album, I kinda wanna go.

AVETT BROTHERS I and LOVE and YOU

Back in May, I was invited to see THE AVETT BROTHERS perform in LA and I was blown-away.

Tonight they are on Letterman, launching their new song, from their new CD 'I And Love And You.'

These guys are really good.
Q: Country? Folk? Pop? Rock?

A: YES!

Good guys!

JUST IN TIME FOR FALL

Wow-now THIS looks like a great show!

Just thinking about WHITNEY CUMMINGS' yoga routine makes me laugh my ass off.
And how sensational is sexy singer JESSE PAYO? Well, she's simpy great!
ERIC BUSS is one of the most original speciaty acts ever and DAN LEVY is something.

And House of H2o is on record cheering pretty much everything JUSTIN KREDIBLE does. (Off the record? Well, we're starting to feel weird always singing the praises of the comic magician, so many light years ahead of the pack.)*

*We've been on the JKRED team since Jump Street. No, not the TV show with Johnny Depp, but from the "get jump," ya know?

JAMIE CULLUM IS 220 YEARS YOUNGER THAN GUINNESS

Jamie Cullum, 30, is debuting great new songs from his rock-heavy new CD 'The Pursuit,' at the 250'th birthday of my hero, ARTHUR GUINNESS, on September 24th.

The Guinness celebration is gonna be huge, with the beer-and music-flowing throughout Dublin this Thursday.

I started my party a few days early upon receiving my personal copy of 'The Pursuit.'

Thanks, Jamie, for making the music, and thanks, Arthur, for making the brew.

SIMON BAKER TO WIN BEST ACTOR EMMY

SIMON BAKER should win the BEST ACTOR Emmy next Monday.

It doesn't take a MENTALIST to call that one, mate.

H2O DROOL

MISS AMERICA 2009 KATIE STAM posing Thursday with the hotdog named after her at PLANET HOLLYWOOD.

WATCHING RAFA

I just arrived home in time to watch Rafael Nadal and Fernando Gonzalez in the US OPEN Quarterfinals.

And the weird part? I'm nervous.

Seriously.

I've been following Rafael Nadal ever since he turned pro, and recently had the chance to watch my boy play.

He's the best.

Fighting for every single point is a beautiful thing.

Fight. Fight. Fight.

But for whatever weird reason, ever since Rafa returned from his injury, I find myself kinda scared wacthing him play.
It's like when you have money on the outcome of the event, only more so.

I am confidant enough to predict that Rafael will win tonight, yet nervous enough that it's hard to sit still.

Weird.

THUNE IN

I have known JAY LENO since the early 90's.

He is known as 'the hardest working man in show business,' but, he's also 'the nicest guy on television.'

Jay Leno is Everyman.

The Jay Leno Show signed seven corespondents and, one of the real standouts is comic/musician NICK THUNE. From television and internet comedy to films like Knocked-Up and Extract, NICK THUNE is wonderful and weird, hip and strange, and, a most unique addition to Prime Time Leno.

Thune In.

SUPER CHEF KERRY SIMON SERVES-UP BEAUTIFUL SOLE at PALMS PLACE

KERRY SIMON- House of H2o's favorite chef, attracts the beautiful people over at his Simons Palms Place.

The Sunday Brunch at Simon's is a beautiful thing

The Sexiest Model in the World- JOANNA KRUPA and the Nicest Dancer Ever, DEREK HOUGH

Hate to choose a winner before we've had a chance to see the contestants dance, but I am-um- familiar with JOANNA KRUPA.

Now I know, I know, DEREK HOUGH is no Tom Delay, and if only DONNY OSMOND'S children vote, Marie's stupid brother could have a real shot, but, COME ON! I'm pulling for JOANNA KRUPA

IF IT'S SUNDAY, IT'S SIMONS

MRAZ IS 71 WEEKS AND COUNTING...BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

HOUSE OF H20 saw it coming. (Predicted here first on April 10th and again July 10th).

We've been supporting JASON MRAZ since, well, since his early coffee house days (and something tells me he may well return to the San Diego coffee house scene as he develops new music).

"I'm Yours," the happy Jason Mraz love song, has been on the Billboard Hot 1OO for a record-breaking 71 weeks.

So how about another prediction? ---Okay>

With the fall release of 'Beautiful Mess,' the concert DVD, the song "I'm Yours" will likely be on the Hot 100 for a total of 100 weeks!

Now THAT'S hot!

The Sweet Life of JUSTIN KREDIBLE

I've been thinking a lot about my buddy, comic conjuror JUSTIN KREDIBLE. A lot, often and highly. As I've written pretty consistantly here in the H2o House and in entertainment and magic reviews on other websites, I think J KRED is the next big thing.

House of H2o is a place where I am allowed to write in the first person. You see, I happen to write loads about pop culture, but much of it is done in the third person, without my name. Some in haiku. But here on this blog I gets to say it like it is-some of the postings are nice, others, not so much. But when it comes to JUSTIN KREDIBLE, well, like the kids say, 'It's all good."

Justin has been appearing-and disappearing- on The Rachael Ray Show on the regular for several years now and wow, as a result, the popular performer has been seen by tens of millions of people. Last week he stole the show on Disney, guest starring on the popular Suite Life on Deck.

Even more exciting, JUSTIN KREDIBLE has been named the #1 Act on college campuses year-after-year-after-year-after-year.


I have had the pleasure of seeing Justin perform 'live,' and am honored to have hung with him from time-to-time, on the Las Vegas Strip as well as at Hollywood coffee houses and I have to say, he's a good guy. He's a hell of a good guy.

JUSTIN KREDIBLE is living the sweet life indeed.

JACKSON BROWNE: 'Live' in Las Vegas and 'Alive in the World'

" To open my eyes, and wake-up 'Alive in the World.' "


I love JACKSON BROWNE.

I love what JACKSON BROWNE stands for, what he longs for, what he has become. Hell, I love him. I love him with all of my heart.

I wasn't quite old enough to be into JB when he first hit, but, as I tended to hang with people a little bigger than me, I heard the music of JACKSON BROWNE before I listened, and I felt it before I understood. And what's amazing about the songs of one of the greatest American poets ever is that, no matter when you get to them, they are there, waiting for you.

Take, for example, 'Lives in the Balance.' ('I've been waiting for something to happen; For a week or a month or a year.'). This is a great anti-war song, released back in 1986, when Ronald Reagan was President and Jackson Browne had to have been thinking El Salvador and Nicaragua. But, hearing him perform it tonight, it is as if it was written for Iraq and Afganistan. It is as if he had anticipated things to come.

Great songs can take you back to a specific time and place. A kiss. Your girl. That summer. But in the case of the music of JACKSON BROWNE, it is the songs that seem to transmutate, shifting in ways that surprise, inform and often amuse. Kind of like the guy who, as he grew older was surprised how smart his dad had gotten, I am often shocked at how well Jackson knew me, back then.

The sun is just setting over the mountains. I'm Looking East, but dreaming west. The Red Rock Resort is home tonight to JACKSON BROWNE and his band. He looks great and sounds, well, he sounds just like JACKSON BROWNE. And his songs? They sound familiar and also brand new. A few of the selections from the new CD, 'Time the Conqueror,' feel like they could have been written in the 60's, 70's, 80's, or whenever.

It is funny to be watching this beautiful artist tonight, 40 years since Woodstock. It is a feast for the senses and for the soul.

The music of JACKSON BROWNE is irresistable. And now, as I finish thumbing these words into the BlackBerry, I head backstage, humming a line from his most recent hit, a line I've sung for months but somehow only just now heard:

"Time in my mind;
The past of least resistance.
The future almost blind;
Both in need of assistance."

Man, I love JACKSON BROWNE!

NICK THUNE- The Real Deal in Las Vegas

Comedy isn't easy, and it certainly isn't easy to write about. Like the Supreme Court Justice (something I'll never be) and pornography (something that I'll never understand), I know comedy when I hear it.

So very much of what passes for humor today just isn't funny, but, every once in a while someone with a new and authentic voice appears and is heard above the babble, reminding me what comedy is supposed to do: it is supposed to make me laugh.

Most television SitComs on the air today are really just trees upon which jokes are hung. And? They aren't very well hung I'm afraid. Very much like a porn, which is a series of sex scenes, SitComs seem to have been written not in one voice, but by a group of trying- to- be- funny writers, seemingly desperate to churn-out a script on time. In Hollyworld, the group write process is aptly called a 'Gang Bang.'

Comic/musician NICK THUNE is the real deal. Like, say, JOHNNY CARSON, who was, at the same time the smartest guy in the room and the boy next door, NICK THUNE is the hippest but also the weirdest performer you'll ever see open his heart and mind, 'live' on stage.

On the way back from seeing the great Jackson Browne, who performed out at Red Rock Resort's Sandbar, I passed by Playboy Club at Palms, at the invitation of my friends who run the place and who know that I'm crazy about the comedy of NICK THUNE. Palms is a super successful hotel casino, just off the Strip but right in the center of the Las Vegas action and NICK THUNE and PLAYBOY is a nice fit. He has that dry but deep delivery, a young and handsome guy more hip than cool, and way more original than any young performer who ever played Las Vegas- ever!

After taking in the great music followed by the real comedy, I decided to walk home. I did. You see, I wanted to clear my head and try to make sense of the evening's great entertainment. *** Also? There was a hell of a fight between me and my -now ex, and she had the car keys. It's about five miles from the casino to my pad, and I made good use of the time. Clomping along in my size 12 Dr. Martin's, singing lyrics and then wondering aloud why certain things are instantly popular in our culture, here's what I concluded: First- I have big feet and Second- the public will always dig artists who speak in their own voice. Sounds simple, but it couldn't be easy for a performer to find-and then stick with, their authentic self.

If you wanna laugh- I mean, REALLY LAUGH, maybe watch some of NICK THUNE'S standup at Funny or Die (it isn't either/or, it's the name of a website) or perhaps view some of his comedy shorts (not apparel although he does look okay in his gf's panties in one vid) at Nick's site: www.nickthune.com

JULIANNE HOUGH is gonna be Twitter's #1 Celeb

DEREK HOUGH is a hell of a nice guy, a talented musician and an incredible dancer. According to Derek's recent Tweet, he and sweetie Shannon Elizabeth are no longer dating, which is really none of my business, but I gotta say he is the ONE boy dancer I can watch-and cheer for- who doesn't make me feel weird. A beautiful guy.

A few months ago, when I was in LA bein' cool & shit, Derek was nice enough to intro me to his sis- the sensational JULIANNE HOUGH, a Las Vegas Academy grad and, I predict, soon to be TWITTER'S # 1 Celeb.

H2O LOVES HOUGH! And congrats to Derek and Juilanne on the Emmy nomination! Great Balls of Fire!

JUILANNE'S Twitter updates are always entertaining and, like the beautiful dancer Miss Hough, cute as can be.

Sweet Tweets indeed.

SHARK H2O

I'm watching The Discovery Channel last night. It's only the first night of 'Shark Week,' and I'm already starting to freak out a little.

So here's the scene: a diver splashes into chum-filled waters, sharks circling from every direction. And a guy on the boat calls out, "Be careful!"

Be careful? Really?
Be careful?

WTF?

What a stupid thing to yell.

That's like dropping off a friend at in-patient rehab with the parting line, "Have fun!"

Or a surgeon asking his patient, right before the anesthesia kicks-in, to "Call me!"

It's like a lawyer turing to his client and saying, just as the life sentence is handed down, "Happy Holidays!"

It was just weird; it made me feel weird.

Yelling 'Be careful' to a guy swimming with man-eating sharks makes no sense, no sense at all. Might as well say, "Don't take any wooden nickles," or "Holler at your boy!"


Another thing: Chum. You know what that is, right? I mean, I could SMELL it from my flatscreen. Yuck-k-k-k! So why does "chum' also mean 'friend?' I mean, I think I understand why Tennessee Tuxedo's fatass stoner walrus buddy is named Chumley, but I don't think I get why 'friend' = 'dead fish.'

"Phineas J. Whoopee- you're the greatest!"

Miss Sunset Tan, HILLARY FISHER

Man- The Palms pool was the place to be this week!

HANSON- I LOVE THESE GUYS

HANSON is touring, but I gots to wait until November to see my boys, here at Beauty Bar.


I love these guys.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

He doesn't get bad press.

And he keeps his private life private.

All the while, he's becoming the best actor of his generation. For sure.

And here's another thing- he's a great man. Proudly wearing the TAG Heuer watch and quietly donating handsome funds to environmental projects around the world.

He's a hell of a guy.